Cold Feet and a Kotatsu

       I'll be flying out of the country in 6 days. As the title suggests I'm unsteady in my resolve about the trip. Going to elaborate and work through some other tidbits about leaving, such as the travel restrictions popping up. Oh, a kotatsu is Japanese... essentially a coffee table, but with a comforter over it and a little heater underneath. Japanese think like Calvin's Dad from Calvin and Hobbs. Calvin's Dad asks why he should turn the thermostat up when there's a perfectly good 3 sweaters in your room. So you get under the blanket and can work at your coffee table but have a nice warm lower body underneath. I figured it was a good tie-in for the 'cold feet' idiom.

(A kotatsu)

       Knowing things end and then experiencing them end aren't the same. Finality has been hitting me as I wrap up a bunch of things. I moved out of my apartment of two years. That place wasn't particularly nice, but it was quiet and out of town, had a propane oven and felt campy and comfy. I stood at the top of the stairs after cleaning everything out and felt solemn for knowing I wouldn't be back. I quit my job of the past two years. I felt pretty confident in the position, like I learned a great deal and was effective in helping families. Had a goodbye gathering for the friends who lived in Bangor before moving back home with family for several weeks. This venture will only be a year, and a year goes by rather quickly. I think the potency of endings comes from the comparison of knowns and unknowns. Things are ending for me but I'm also moving across the planet and there will be many new and exciting happenings. Assigning values to each side however, presents a problem. I know the value of each of the things I'm saying goodbye to, and I cannot guess or estimate the value of the things I will inevitably find myself entangled. It's asking myself why I would seek an unknown when what I currently have is pretty good. I've done my research on where I'm going and know why I want to go, which means the trip will likely be quite excellent, but there's the possibility it may not. Which is most likely why I'm hesitant.

       Another reason I find myself disoriented is the shift of who I am. I value knowing who I am. Asking myself questions about who I am and what I want helps me define myself and then interact with the world around me. The question "what do you want to do?" used to have the answer "I want to go to Japan". Now I AM going though, so the same question has an unknown answer. What do I want to do? If I can't answer that question there's a part of me that feels hazy. I have some goals in mind but they are dependent on some factors which must be waited on for half a year or so.

       Nothing major gets accomplished without setbacks. My apartment sold to a new owner halfway through and getting the security deposit back was very upsetting. I  was called a liar and fixated on it for days because I hate upsetting anyone at all. I went to Boston to drop off my Visa application, which is difficult because they sent me the documents I needed to apply for it 16 days before I fly out, and I don't live anywhere near Boston to retrieve it after a 3 day wait. The embassy told me to bring an envelope so they could return the documents, but apparently the USPS envelope I brought would not suffice. Bringing the receipt to Fed Ex they told me to send pre-paid envelopes I would need an account, and to make an account, I would need a credit card... which I do not possess.  So I came back the next day and sent it out with UPS. Travel time hopefully means the travel visa, and my passport, will return to me... 24 hours before I need to leave for southern Maine getting ready for my flight out, hopefully. The flight out is another concern with all the travel restrictions and alterations happening because of covid-19. My layover airport and destination airport in Tokyo have both been altered. I'm sure more will arise as they always do, but Peace Corps was great at acclimatizing me to altered plans.

(Picture out the window of the Japanese Embassy in Boston on the 22nd floor)

       These concerns are more about the process of departure and it's annoyances rather than living in Japan. Language is the worry for after I arrive. I worry about not being able to communicate, but I've been through all this before in Peace Corps. This time around I've been studying the language before leaving though, and there are lots of media I can study from, AND the company doesn't want me to speak Japanese at work since the purpose is to expose students to English as much as possible. I had been worried about driving as well, but I watched some videos and saw that people tend to drive slowly and there are amply places to pull over and figure out what's going on.  I have some further doubts but I don't want this whole thing to be negative. So here's some less dreary components.

       Like the kotatsu warming feet there are some positives to alleviate my concerns. During the visa application expidition to Boston we stopped in a little place in Chinatown and got some onigiri. Onigiri is apparently a very common thing in Japan, available in most convenience stores. I got a spicy crab meat and seaweed in the middle and it was amazing. The food is probably 35% of my motivation in wanting to move to Japan, and if the sample I had in Chinatown was anything to go by I shall not be disappointed. The tea magnifies my anticipation as well. I define a relaxing afternoon as a cup of tea and a book, and Japan can satiate such a desire quite well. The culture of the country is respect and it doesn't stop at people either. Before starting a meal everyone says itadakimasu and after is gochisoosamadesta, saying thank you for the meal. People revere temples and forests. It's impolite to eat and walk around city streets because it would make them messy. Schools have limited janitorial staff because every student takes a 15-20 minute period of EVERY school day to clean the school. The mentality of 'this is OUR space, so lets take care of it' is a foundation of the society. I may have a bit of trouble when it comes to people, but I've always tried to take time to respect things and plants and animals, and that component of the culture I anticipate greatly.

(onigiri)

       This post is going to have a weird ending because I've got a bunch more stuff to write but it doesn't really fit in this category. So I'm going to work on writing one pretty much immediately after this and hopefully get it posted within the day. As you might imagine it will cover the crazy roller coaster of the covid-19 travel restrictions. I also want to hit on some thank yous in the next one. I'll probably write another one my second evening in Japan to let you all know what the first 48 hrs were like and to have someplace to record memories for myself as well. Thanks for perusing.